dynishka

Just outside I hear them, like before…

All the love in all the lands spilled out in a furious flood,
the trees came up, root by root; the flowers lost their petals in the great deluge.

He never thought a thing of it as the cracking dryness parched below him became quenched in blood/love spilled by his careless talon pierce,
the cracks took it in fast, like rivers rushing away, gushing gone, the time and tears turned the sweet ripeness once beautiful, the fruits sticky and glistening –now rancid and rot — turned the sparkle sacred from the heavens, that star, fallen.

The birds sing a ditty, a dirge minor, so heavy the clouds steep in low, rendering no light in the land;
The eyes of all the people glow red as they lap up the ironwater, nothing is forever singing with the birds, the birds that leave when they don’t like it, the way it is, the dark moist and cold, the blood drained, the dead girl with a talon pierced heart.

Illusions like sex pound, grinding hard, relentless, then gone when the deed is done.

The birds see it from above and move in close for a touch of preymeat, freebies are rare as they sing, organ bits taste of mineral and iron, the birds sway on the branches. And the river flows.

They never take her heart, she never leaves the room of dirt and roots, it spilled in though, the blood.

A dream she had in the dark, a life never lived, yet murdered still.

The folks fed for days on the carcass, they made instruments and trinkets with the bones. They talked about it in sacrificial sing song – that river still flowed.

There is an ocean out there, like a hug, a sweet embrace, a whisper upon a gust; you can hear it too, if you listen when the night is darkest, she sees when you hear her call.

Meet me down there again

I’ll come all sparkly, a glistening star

You’ll know the time by the pinch of a digit hard

When you close your eyes it doesn’t matter, the details

the places, or people, the time

I go there every night just to see you

Flittering flight, flickering and floating

Starry sight, dreamy dreams

Down there I see you cleaned and new

Unstained and waiting

For me

For you

Stinging jab

You push

and push

Slippery hole

Bloodied brown

All that time

I let you dig

your dig

Organ bait

Hateful hollow

Stab me down

Little heartbeat

Murmurs come like stabs

With the promise to end it hard and fast

Always the threat of another go round

Wash it away a bit at a time

Slowly gone the sparkly parts

My crimes will see me to the grave

Dried and cold

Forever rotten

Forgotten

Like everyone else

A rhyme in the universe

A beat eternal

Gone from here

I’m on my way out to the far reaches

Expanding beyond your view Like a murmuration

My wings become millions of others

Millions of others

No matter how you slice it:

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/concubine

But do you understand? he said from a shadowy doorway.

I think I do, sometimes the dark plays tricks on me.

Your eyes will adjust, don’t they always?

How does one go on from here, I’m dragging hard and my eyes haven’t seen a clean man yet.

All those days in the way down, you aint gots nothing` to worry bout now, this is the easy bit.

In burning fire, I see you dancing as a flame

Blue in the heart of orange

I sweat for you, at the edge of your heat — heart

You lick it from my breast, on my neck with a press

You take it from my skin, pale and soft

My heart like yours is blue

Is blue

You brutally turn in upon my skin

All that heat, my sweat

You, the burning flame

Hot and cool blue

Too

Too

Too

I am too

Burning Like you-

Dingo did it hard & fast. I like it that way, besides, if I get mine, then, that’s game!

I heard that sex and death are sweethearts, one is the other.

Dingo killed me every time, but I got mine!

When it comes to death, sex kills.

All at once sometimes, or in little sparkly flittering flutters flowing.

Dingo makes me wet –

I throb & pant,

& take and want.

If he killed me once, it was slow & hard.

Dingo did me & does me,

all at once — Sometimes.

He tells me I’m alone

He’s so right

No place for  a girl like me

Broken things

Little pieces all over

Some died with you mama

The place that wants love is unreachable

Sealed in deeds

Gone down

Hit me

Bruise and blood

Filth and hurt

I remember my Papa’s mom

She told me I wasn’t worth a plant stand

Hit me

He tells me I’m not worth the door on his car

Bruise and Bone

My guts hurt

All this talk of my worth is getting old

Old, so enough – Please-

Just Hit ME

These wars in life are fought in secret places

Inside, away from the light

Alone

Scott should be smirking

He only gave me love

Alone, Scott gave me love

This little life’s moody

So funny and sad

So lonely

None for me

It’s alright, my daddy got it all

So did my mama

There are hours of intrigue, when the night is dark and I’m alone moving along the thread of my life. Looking at the days of exile seems so foreign now, I see the scars. Still. The pain is not tangible any longer. Just like the touch of a lover gone away, it’s only memory that stitches it all together. Still. I see faces and places, like paintings, I was there, but I’m not. These stitches do bind all the little bits when the night is dark and cold, a good tug pulls it all together. Still. These threads like webs weave an image larger than I can see, me strung out across the field of imagination, of life and living, here and there. Alone, the worlds of dreams weep, swaying, steeping cold space, light flashes, long and bright — then gone.  There are hours when the light shows the thread; nights when I feel connected by things dark and floating outward, my memories of scars and love that with a tug do come back. Still.

2c9

Chronovision: Todeathandbeyond.

Maybe you’re death, like a hit to the heart -crash- perhaps a slow developing virus

There was no going back the moment I saw you — but that kiss

That kiss

Never did I die like this before

My heart prepared for you

Marinated for years in the sweetest melancholia of yearning

Aged to perfection
The heart ‘gone without’ knows

It knows the taste

The feel

Deeply bruised is a shade known
Oh tender heart, how you languish — the reflection pale from overexposure.

Carry my blood wishBlood/dna to places beyond here, through time and space do sail these stains,

Do Sail.

The visionaries fall like glitter, so bright and sparkly, so swift.

Take the light

Little stars are big, just far, far away.

There is no gravity, that pull is fleshly dense, deep and purple/red, its bound you round

Round you go, sinking

Here I am again, tender heart and all

I still see that tree and how the wind blew, the rushes of  faint fall breezes like an exhale.  Some of the moments never left, they linger ever long into the now.
It’s been a week, or a month maybe since I looked at the date or day.
They’re all skinny and mean, you can see that, right? We did this and no one wants to look. The waters are smooth on the great river, dark too.  To some the sun comes like a brother, golden and warm. To me it’s death, boil and burn.

A little child dreamed from a bed of dirt and the world formed.

One shot after another, they all get more shrapnel, debris, death, life. The living always walking on the dead, I see the dirt under their nails, the filth that spews from fleshy lives. “I want you to free me.”
I read all the letters from all the people, “Where is mine?”
Sometimes when the stars cast light like beams from the blackness of space, I feel like I’m moving in a tunnel, lights and darkness, here and there.  This year buried me in the deep, “Where is mine.”
I think this hole is comfy sometimes, the filtered life, low and dirty.  No one looks down these days anyway, so it’s private, “Where is mine!”
Self of mine – Stand!
He takes his time with mine, slowly pushing the pain deeper into the hole closed “I like you”, as his arms rise and reach for a dream girl while asleep: looking on, I wish to be the dream.

I dreamt of him after fucking You in our place of pleasure and sleep, when I told you, you walked away — Silent!

But I feel free now, finally.

Little circles in a park

You and I

The dogs

Little dreams in the night

Confessions and shadows

I got this idea

The thoughts are always there, no matter who, or where

Did I lose something to be so taunted

The summer saw my death

Come now child, see that smoke? You ain’t done yet. You ain’t dead!

All these questions, missed turns

But I found You

I’ll never be comfortable with it, the need of a man to get sexual attention outside the relationship. I keep hearing that it’s just entertainment and that I should be happy that when he comes home he wants to fuck, I’ll never want to fuck on the heels of another girls fee. He wants to fuck all the time anyway, so do I! Somewhere along the way I never lost that feeling of Sacredness in relationships, of being saturated. Yes, I’ve fucked up a good thing in the past, in a big way too. I know the bottom line and the view it offers. I think this makes the idea even more potent to me now, the thought of others involved in my sexual relationship. I resent it, and fear that resentment in turn. I keep hearing such predictable voices in my head, thoughts of joining them, since I can’t beat them. What a rabbit hole, what a sad, pathetic ride to the bottom, I know it well and I’ll never be comfortable with it!
How is it human nature, if it’s not my nature as well? How am I so different, I mean, I love beauty just as much as the next person, yet, I do not crave more than I can eat!
Demons in my head-

Big ol’ snake lookin’ me down

I parted my legs to the sound

Of  his comin’ round

 
Slithering in, skin on skin

He tore me apart, limb by limb

 
Skin, and limb, and him-

Man, I fucked up.
Don’t worry, you who think I should be damned
I go without
No words of love
Or aching desires
No one that sees the sun in my eyes
Or the moon in my kiss
No waiting in torturous anticipation to touch me
Or mournful sighs of departure
No number one on anyones list
I pay the toll in seconds
Or thirds
Maybes

Deceased at 9:33 pm.

This war has torn at us in ways not yet seen

I write from afar

From the deep end of my heart

Miles away from you

This battle has taken it’s toll in blood and time

These scars grow hard

Hardened days turn into a barricade

Shrapnel dreams pierce the flesh

But who are we fighting

Who’s blood poisons us

I see you in my mind in the last moment we shared air

The gravity heavy as I stepped away

Did you hear the bombs and gun fire too

The screams and whispers

I never would leave

Never

This war claims innocents one purple heart at a time

If you can hear me in the night

See me in that last moment

Then I ask

Reach for me through the battle

Away from the torment and dismembered

Meet me in the neutral zone my Darling

My Everything

The days fall fast now

Like little dreams in a sweet past somewhere

Land mines eat them in a fury of annihilation

Holes in the land where once we walked

I’m waiting for my man down

For you to come back and share the air with me

The free and brave

The wounded

Drop your guns

And return-

There is nothing that can be said of me that stains

Words, so many words

Truths, all the sides of truth

Maybe I am an Alien

Or a boy

Maybe I’m a girl

Or a toy

How bout that little pile of debt

Or regrets

Living ain’t easy, I know

But I face it head on

Do you?

The days do tick away

One by one

Your ticking time

Bottle and drain

Needle the pain

Those words you say are yours

Truth be told

One lie at a time

Words, so many words-

No matter how the day goes

The nights are yours

Tooth and blood

Even with closed eyes

I see only you

How many times I’ve left you

Only to find myself here

Again

In the space between

I just want to be loved

For you to come to me

As I have you

Hell has no depth that I would not penetrate

No darkness could blind me from the sparkle in your eyes

I wait untouched

Unrequited

Unrelenting

Ever in this space

Separated

But not lost

Found

I wear flamenco shoes because they feel romantic and remind me that passion is around every corner. When I step on a hard surface the sound of nails shoots through me, the way my lover did the summer of 94.

There was a film set from Chile blocking my usual path from Earwax to my friends apartment, I didn’t look as I usually don’t when men are calling out in groups like that.
“You’ve bewitched me”  his tone was low and warm.
“Why are you following me?”
“Because, I have no choice!”
The sounds of whistling men fade the further I get down the alley, the shadow of a man much taller than me, almost ape like lurking slightly behind.
“I can smell your cock from here” Indignantly, I turn to see his face.
He is beautiful. Carmel colored hair and hazel eyes that see my wanting lust barely restrained, he knows that I glisten for him in that moment, that the urge to submit is strong, he knows, and every step becomes a deed to a choice of passion.
“What’s your name beautiful creature?” his breath onto the back of my neck, touches me, unhinges my gate.
“Does it matter?   My name is Desire!   Or Slut!”
He was the lead of the film they were making, his English was typical at best, but I understood him just fine, like a painting, symbols and strokes, color and lines.
“Beauty is always desire, I must have you!”
“Is this a habit of yours?” he knew I was having it, and I knew it too.
These flamenco shoes always lead me down dark alleys, with a click and a tap, but that voice inside is always there too….
There’s a place in me that can not be reached, yet it shines so bright through all the dark matter. No one ever makes it though. Dark nights. So many that there seems to be nothing else, dark matter expanding out, ever out and further deepening the path. Somehow the odds have come to comfort me now. The danger of it all and not a brave soul in sight.

“Life is my habit, do you understand?” He looks me square in the eyes, the alley seemed strangely lit, suddenly.
“I’ve become bored with the scales of judgment, you don‘t know me, yet you would follow me down this alley away from the lights”

The self torment, tormenting me, always my gut telling me…
I am not here to be compared, or weighed, you filthy sightless souls, so empty inside, like craters you go about annihilating everything to fill a void that’s bottomless, because the great cancer ate it and now it’s gone, now you would lay your nastiness against my star bright, your hateful words and deconstructing posture, but the hollowness makes the most horrid sound when empty words escape.

“I know what I feel”  his hand brushes past my ass, electric.
“What is it you feel?”
“Passion, I must touch you, I must know you.” His eyes shine like a star from a far away place cast upon me, a beam, and I shine!
He is life in that moment, triumphant…
There is no mourning here! Dead be Dead and I hear not your filthy empty lies, or the ideas of what living should be, all I hear is a horrid sound of emptiness like wind in an old hall.

“ It’s my shoes, they’re special, they bring passion! When I put them on I feel the vibrancy of flamenco dancing, the hot mornings at a café, the dark desires and aching muscles, the things I yearn for.”
“You are in the shoes, I must free you of them so that you see the passion you possess, I must show you the beauty I see.”
He is life, it is I who must consume him…

The dark matter has come to be a shield and all this space a grand mirror in which I see the living and the dead.
The living do not know fear, this is how I tell one from the other.
That place in me so deep, so bright, it’s fearless!

“Follow me and the sound of the click and the clack.” My face against his, whispering with a lick of the tongue, the pulsing blood coursing fastly, pounding against me as I invite him into my dark matter.

When I was a lover, I wore Flamenco shoes!